What to do with a Whole Ass Chicken™

The end product of this recipe is really hard to get a decent photo of, I’m sorry. Please enjoy this photo of a live chicken instead.

The Recipe(s)

Roast Chicken

Ingredients

• A Whole Ass Chicken™

• Lots of salt

• Lots of butter

• Lots of bacon grease (optional)

• Thyme, preferably fresh

• Rosemary, preferably fresh

• Black Pepper, preferably freshly cracked

Method

1. If your Whole Ass Chicken™ is still, well, whole, watch this video on how to spatchcock a chicken. I’m not eloquent enough to describe how to do it, but I CAN tell you what to do with it afterwards. Spatchcocking helps the bird cook more evenly. If you purchased a Whole Ass Chicken™ already broken down, proceed to the next step.

2. Lay out your Whole Ass Chicken™ (minus the gross bits) on a baking sheet lined with aluminum foil. Liberally, and I mean LIBERALLY, cover your bird with salt. You should be uncomfortable with the amount of salt you use. Obviously it shouldn’t be caked on, but seriously. Several good pinches of salt. And make sure you get the whole bird.

3. After salting, place your Whole Ass Chicken™ in the fridge UNCOVERED for at least four hours or overnight. Not only will this season the meat, but it will help you get an impossibly crispy skin.

4. When the Whole Ass Chicken™ has had its salty rest, remove from the fridge and get ready to get messy. In a small bowl, mix softened butter with however many pinches of rosemary and thyme as you like. I’d recommend a few teaspoons. If you have bacon fat, you can add that to the butter as well.

5. Using your fingers, separate the skin from the meat as well as you can. This is going to feel gross, so you can wear gloves for this because it’s gonna get a little more gross. Using a few globs at a time, for lack of a better word, massage the meat under the skin with the herbed butter until well coated and slippery. It’s gonna feel weird, but I promise it’s going to pay off.

6. After doing all that weird stuff, continue the weirdness by rubbing the OUTSIDE of the skin with some bacon grease if you have it. If not, a bit more of the herbed butter will do. Tuck the wingtips under the bird so they do not burn.

7. Once you’re done violating your bird, preheat your oven to 450º F. While the oven heats up, allow your Whole Ass Chicken™ to rest at room temperature, covered if you have any animals like my cat that are obsessed with raw chicken.

8. Roast your bird for 30 - 45 minutes depending on size, or until both white and dark meat read 165º.

9. This part is very important. After roasting, PLEASE allow the chicken to rest for at least ten minutes. This allows the juices to redistribute, and will give you a much more tender meat than if you had cut into it right away.

10. Enjoy however you see fit. I stood at my kitchen counter and devoured the legs and thighs (awkward phrasing but whatever), but the breast meat is excellent as a main course when served whole, or sliced up and served cold on a salad.

11. Whatever you do, keep the bones. It’s perfectly fine to leave some meat on them. You will need them for the impossibly delicious bone broth below.

Bone Broth

Ingredients

• Bones from your Whole Ass Chicken™, plus any other chicken bones you may have from previous roast chickens

• 1 large carrot, rinsed but not skinned, and chopped in half

• 4 or 5 stalks of celery, rinsed and cut into chunks

• 1 onion, chopped in half

• 1 WHOLE HEAD of garlic, chopped in half across the thickest part

• whole peppercorns

• a pinch of rosemary

• a pinch of thyme

Method (Stovetop)

1. Throw everything into a large pot and cover with cold water, plus an inch or two. Making stock isn’t an exact science.

2. Bring to a boil and skim off any scum that forms at the top.

3. Reduce to a simmer and let bubble for at least an hour, up to four.

4. Strain through a colander lined with cheesecloth into a container of your choosing.

5. Store in the fridge for up to a week, or in the freezer for up to six months. You can skim off the fat that settles at the top if you want.

Method (Instant Pot)

1. Throw everything into your instant pot and cover with water, plus an extra inch or two.

2. Using the sauté function, bring to a boil and skim off any scum that comes to the top. Turn off the sauté function and allow to cool slightly.

3. Once the boil has been reduced to a simmer, cover with pressure cooker lid and set the pressure valve to sealing.

4. Cook on high pressure for 40 minutes, and allow the pressure to release naturally.

5. Strain through a colander lined with cheesecloth into a container of your choosing.

6. Store in the fridge for up to a week, or in the freezer for up to six months. You can skim off the fat that forms at the top if you want.

The Story

c w i s p y

With all of this Covid-19 stuff wreaking havoc on more than just grocery stores, I was only able to find a Whole Ass Chicken™ a few days ago. I had never actually worked with a whole bird before, so I had to do some research on what I could do with it. The two recipes above are not only delicious, but they utilize the entire bird so nothing goes to waste.

The chicken itself has the most insanely crispy skin I’ve ever seen or eaten, and the meat is juicy and flavorful beyond belief. I genuinely didn’t know that chicken could be this amazing. Like I mentioned in the recipe, I didn’t even bother sitting down to eat.

And the broth? To be honest, I usually just drink the stuff. Bone broth/chicken broth/chicken stock/whatever you want to call it is both full of flavor and chock-full of nutrients. It’s wonderful if you’re sick, but it also makes a weirdly great breakfast. If you’re feeling fancy, you can also be like Andrew Rea of Binging with Babish and top your broth with a savory whipped cream. Obviously you can use it in any recipe that calls for it, but I still like to drink it despite my future husband thinking I’m crazy for drinking what he calls “chicken water”.

Regardless of how you use your broth or your chicken, it’s incredibly delicious and leagues better than anything you could get in a grocery store. Personally, I may actually start seeking out whole birds instead of pre-packaged meat, simply so I can enjoy these recipes on a regular basis.

I told you it’s hard to get a picture…